Jesus Saves...

once again...
stoned.
music pounding in the backround.
Nine Inch Nails shoot into my ears.
sick.
tastes of cookies and popcorn are dancing in my teeth...
nails and teeth??
ouch, but so fun.
and now it's shower time...
meet you there Honey.

holy shit,
its been a while.
dearest live journal who has gone on forgotten all this time,
thank you for still being around.
i have lots of memories of 2006 stored in you.
but not the memories that matter.
you've missed out on incredible experiences and wonder days...
i am sorry i've not recorded more, whether is be on here on other sources that i keep my writtings.
but let me update you... (fuck this is going to be a long update!)
last entry was around when?? august?!
haha
shit...
okay well, in september, i quit doing meth for a month... i hung out with Brent for the first time, he also overdosed on meth which stopped him from going to santa cruz for school, plus it sent him to rehab. i moved in with my mom in san jose, and stayed clean for a little while. then i returned to los banos for vistis and started tweaking again. this all first happened in the end of october, october 20th is when i came into town. i started out tweaking with ruckus again, we were back at it for a while... then in early November, i dropped both tony and ruckus, the friendships were'nt working and i knew i was better off without them. but omg who did i start hanging out with after that...? miguel and ariane! ohh god... what a dumb move that was... i started tweaking hardcore, living in the pad pretty much and tweaking as the goal for each day... i went on with them throught the rest of november...
throught this whole time from like mid october to the beginning of december, i had developed this crush on Brent, through myspace messages and texting. and after many plans to hang out resulted in failure, and after me getting him heroin and a couple rigs... we finally hang out... i believe he came over to arianes house and we smoke meth again, and that was on december 7th?
we hung out everyday after that almost, then on the 13th we had out first kiss... i had to go back to san jose for a couple days, but i came back on the 16th, his first day of work at hollywood video, he came over the arianes house to hang out with me. i was there alone cause ariane and miguel were probably out getting more dope. well, we had sex for the first time that night... twice in the bathroom there and then later a sex marathon at my house... :) it was amazing...
all through december we hung out everyday... soon we left the whole scene at arianes and began to tweak on our own. that lasted for months, but as we hung out more and more, we fell in love...
we both realized that we were made for one another and we had found our soul mate...
it's been a wonderful adventure falling more and more in love with him everyday...
we had made a pact with one another that we were going to quit doing drugs on february 7th... but ended up quiting on the 4th instead and things have been so much better, and im so thankful we got out of that tweaker/junkie lifestyle...
we've been through so much, its insane and i cant catch you up completely on everything because there is far to much to tell and recall.
but its been fucking awesome, and hard, and funny, and beautiful, and transending,
and everything i've ever wanted my life to be!
im going to marry him, we are going to move to santa cruz in a month or so, most likely around may.
i love him so much...
we now have agreed that smoking pot is cool every now and then... its mostly been "now" currently... its been fun as fuck tho
fun for now, and its helping him out so that great...
things are so fucking great right now, its unbelieveable...
all the things we get to do...
mars volta concert coming up, moving to santa cruz, setting up an apartment, trip to amsterdam?! haha
honey, i love you!

i found this on a bulletin on myspace
its awesome and terrifying... but well worth a read... check it out...
ohh and...
The end with the font is real, u have to try it
(make sure its all CAPs tho!!! super important)

1) New York City has 11 letters

2) Afghanistan has 11 letters.

3) Ramsin Yuseb (The terrorist who threatened to destroy the Twin Towers in 1993) has 11 letters.

4) George W Bush has 11 letters.

5) The two twin towers make an "11"

This could be a mere coincidence, but this gets more interesting:

1) New York is the 11th state.

2) The first plane crashing against the Twin Towers was flight number 11.

3) Flight 11 was carrying 92 passengers. 9 + 2 = 11

4) Flight 77 which also hit Twin Towers, was carrying 65 passengers. 6+5 = 11

5) The tragedy was on September 11, or 9/11 as it is now known. 9 + 1+ 1 = 11

6) The date is equal to the US emergency services telephone number 911. 9 + 1 + 1 = 11.

Sheer coincidence..?! Read on and make up your own mind:

1) The total number of victims inside all the hi-jacked planes was 254. >2 + 5 + 4 = 11.

2) September 11 is day number 254 of the calendar year.
Again 2 + 5 + 4 = 11.

3) The Madrid bombing took place on 3/11/2004.
3 + 1 + 1 + 2 + 4 = 11.

4) The tragedy of Madrid happened 911 days after the Twin Towers incident.

Sheer coincidence..?! Read on and make up your own mind:
Now this is where things get totally eerie:

The most recognised symbol for the US, after the Stars & Stripes, is the Eagle. The following verse is taken from the Quran, the Islamic holy book:

"For it is written that a son of Arabia would awaken a fearsome Eagle. The wrath of the Eagle would be felt throughout the lands of Allah and lo, while some of the people trembled in despair still more rejoiced: for the wrath of the Eagle cleansed the lands of Allah and there was peace."

That verse is number 9.11 of the Quran.

Still uncovinced about all of this..?! Try this and see how you feel afterwards, it made my hair stand on end:

Open Microsoft Word and do the following(TRY THIS FOR REAL)

1. Type in capitals Q33 NY. This is the flight number of the first
plane to hit one of the Twin Towers.

2. Highlight the Q33 N

3. Change the font size to 48.

4. Change the actual font to the WINGDINGS 1

wow...
im hella emotional and i guess somewhat dramtic...
it sucks but i realized it a few days ago.
im far too emotional for my own good or for anyone elses good to be around me...
im fake and im good at it...
im a lair and i cant help it cause im so used to lying and faking my way through life, it no longer intentional...
terrible huh? but thats the way shit is.
finally i will be honest...
but im wishing that one day i will be myself again
i've lost me over these months and its only getting worse...
i care too much and i feel too strongly about things that dont matter to anyone else...
im alone in a lot of things and situations, but even though i hate it, and even though being alone is the last thing i would ever want for myself, its where im at and where im most comfortable...
the state im in currently...
lemme give you the set up...
my great grandpa just passed away...
i havent coped wit it yet... meaning i havent gotten my good cry out yet... i dont handle death well and im super sad about yet another loss in my life. i want... no i need physical affection... a hug from someone who loves me... a parent, a friend... someone to break me so i can cry or just feel an emotional release...
my big fuck up... i cant ask for help when i need it the most...
i think part of me, deep down inside, believes that i deserve to suffer on my own and thats the reason i cant ask for help... that i am not worthy of someone going through the trouble of helping me out, and being my shoulder to cry on...
and yea it may be true...
im just one of those people who are meant to be alone...
i am just tired of faking almost all the time that i am happy...
when i honestly felt i was going to jump off the balcony at the winchester mystery house today...
just to make a headline on the news...
damn, well maybe i wasnt super serious about that, i just thought it would be cool, a dramatic and publically disturbing way to die...
at that moment i wanted my two drops of water to crash together and fly apart into a million pieces so they would scatter into an abyss of nothingness... such is how i kinda feel about a lot of things...
at the moment i am numb, im just too emotional and too aggressive in my quest to find what i need in all the wrong places...
but i guess im young still or whatever and i need time to grow and things will happen in time...
im being impatient i suppose and i cant help that,
i need to sleep... i need something, drugs maybe? hmm those help but only for the time being...
i need love...
i need faith...
i need devotion...
i need happiness...
i need unselfish giving...
i need someone to give to me as i give to them...
someone to make all the shit i do and all the time i spend and every other thing worth it...
where is this person?? who are they?
cause i cant do it on my own anymore...
im not self motivated any longer...
i could give a fuck about me, i live for those i care for, but to not feel anything in return from those you live for?...
if "ouch" were an emotion...
i'd fall under that one i suppose...
but thats enough self loathing and self pity.
cause who can give a shit about people who feel sorry for themselves?
goodnight...

fuck i have so many things i want to write about. so many emotions im feeling right now... all i want are hugs and drugs... no joke niggaz... but here i am, at home, cause my dad is a dickhole and wont let me drive. i had a ride but he cut down that hope as well. so now i sit here and i guess since i cant find another productive outlet for my anger, rage and sadness... i'll once again, dessolve into the internet and update my fuckin livejournal.
so before we jump into all the fucked up shit im currently facing, let me tell you what has been up wit me... and since i cant spend my entire evening typing, i'll provide the highlights... my weekend last weekend and the one before were spent working and hangin wit various people... (tara i called and invited u... but u didnt wanna... so that sucked for me). ruckus and i got really close over the past few weeks... its cool gettin to know her, ive met some cool people and i've gotten an intimate entry into her life. so moving along from that... my days have been cool for the most part... i had my freedom and i could be some version of me. well until my parents came home from their camping trip... they came back 4th of july (my stepmom's bday and also my grandpa bob's whos dead now... so it was already a fucked up day for me)... they came back like i said... i had to work, and they were already all pissed off at me for not going campin again and for not driving to meet them on my only day off! so fuck that... i wasnt gonna let them piss me off... i went to work. i was scheduled from 4-10pm we were slow at work tho and my boss let me leave early like at 8pm... so i was like cool, i can go home, shower and change in time to go watch the fireworks wit the family and spend it wit my stepmom on her bday u kno? so i get home i tell my dad and shit... then im in my room, just got out of the shower... still in the fuckin towel... and i hear from my step sis, "monica we are leaving!" so i pop my head out of the door and yell "wait two minutes so i can put some clothes on and go wit u guys..." and what shit do i hear at the bottom of the stairs? "no we are leaving now, leave her, she can go with her friends!" my dad said in his usual assholish tone... so i throw on whatever was closest to me, grabbed my hair brush and cell, ran down stairs, jumped into sandals, rush into the driveway, to only watch them pull away without me... fucked up aint it??
so i was like fuck that! i went inside, couldnt decide whether to go or not, called my mommy... she convinced me to go and make my dad feel like crap... anyway tho... so i was like yea im gonna go... well i couldnt find parking but shit worked out fine, i didnt spend my 4th of july wit my dad and his family, i spent it wit tony and his... people who acutally want me around... shocker eh??
but yea so now the issue is...
my dad doesnt want me anymore, i know ur thinkin thats crap and he is just scared and shit... but no, he really wants me to move to san jose wit my mom, plans have been made and i could be gone this weekend... so he and i keep getting into it...
and i am now unable to shut my fuckin mouth... before, i could sit there and take all his shit, now its just too much, i've taken it for years and years, since i moved in with this fucker to be honest... so do i do it for another year?? can i handle it?? can i do it even?!? well i cant get a for sure answer on that now, i cant say what im going to do, my plan so far is to wing it... do what and go where my emotions take me... what im leaning towards is doing the whole actress thing... play the understand, "oh i fucked up dad and im sorry, what can i do for u?!" role, which i am pretty good at now, and i can take his shit until he lets this whole thing blow over and i get back to the norm...
im not going to do that for him tho... he isnt going to be the reason im going to shut my mouth and take his shit... im gonna do it to keep myself here...
here is where i have people, current connections and friends... why leave for the principle of my dad being unconfortable...
its my life isnt it?
well i guess other than all this shit going on,
things are pretty good... work is cool-er now... tara i miss u... i havent seen u in a while, and its not that i dont have time for u cause of my "cool new friends" its that when i have time to hang wit u, u dont wanna do anything, and im cool wit that, i know u like to just chill at home a lot of the time... but i do have other people callin me that wanna go out... so dont take it personal when i dont call... u can call me, tell me when u wanna chill that way i can fit it in wit the whole work thing i have going on... u kno? but u know i love you and babies okay?? ohh and how are the bunnies?
anyway yea work, thats what i was saying, i got side-tracked, i say a bunny on tv and thought of tara, thats the reason for the A.D.D. topic change... we hired like 4 new people, all girls, all of em are cool. they are still in "new person" mode, where they dont know much and are still freaked out by a lot of shit, but i understand cause u know, i was there like almost two months ago, so im there to help cause im nice like that...
i think i have to cool it wit my sarcasm at work, i've noticed a lot of people dont get me when im fuckin around wit em and i hate it when i have to go back and explain how i was jokin and what i really meant...
ehh today was okay till about 7pm... then all this shit started wit my dad again...
ugh...
so do i clamp my fuckin mouth closed?? would that be best??
or should i play miss rebel and do what i feel is right?
so many choices lay before me, and im clueless as to what direction i wish to move toward... but i know what would be the smartest and safest choice... more thinkin is necessary... so i guess im gonna go do that... ttyl

I didn’t know where else to turn to take my emotions to. I have so much of them inside that is making me physically ill. I had my little mini cry but it won’t be enough. Not for now anyway. Here is why I’m upset; I found out today that a friend of the family passed away. And if you know me at all, I don’t handle death well, I let it eat at me and shit like that. Well this guy, his name is Ray, nicest guy ever, super sweet and always smiling. An older gentleman but he was just an all around great man. I will miss him. And that makes me feel like shit too… last time I saw him, I remember not wanting to be there, I wanted to go home and do something… we were all out at dinner, and I just didn’t want to be there… it was his first time at wool growers and I didn’t care. I wanted to be a cool teenager and take off, and I made some bullshit excuse to leave dinner early. I think I said I wanted to get home to check on my dog… I feel terrible now for doing that… I wasn’t like a bitch about leaving and I was my nice, polite self the whole time I was present, but in my mind, I wanted to get the fuck out. So that’s my last memory of him, and now he is gone.
I know that doesn’t sound like a huge deal or that it should affect me as much as it does… hmm maybe I cant help you understand, even thought I fully don’t, but here I go anyway; I have this huge complex about death. I get it though, I understand what it means… and its you’re gone, and you don’t get to come back… I’ve been through a lot wit death… lost my great grandmother and my grandfather… I took my grandpa way hard, that was one that affected me more that any other experience I have had with death. His death, knowing I was never going to get to see him again, or talk to him, or hug him, killed me… I spent hours in my room crying till I was breathless and shaking. I hated everything and everyone… but I did come to terms with it to where I could step back and see that yea, he was sick and now its better this way cause he is not hurting… but whatever that means.
I have a hard time finding an outlet when something like this is bothering me. Like I hate being that weak, crying, aw please hold me, thing… I won’t let people see me cry. If I have cried in front of someone, I had to have been really upset, cause the last thing I would ever want, is to have someone see me cry. I hate that attention. I have gotten pretty good at hiding it too… today when my dad and I found out about it (Ray’s death), I wanted to cry… I had to fight it back but I did… and there have been other various time today when I was with Tony, where I hella wanted to bawl… but I wouldn’t cause I don’t want anyone to see me cry. It’s ironic too, cause when I get home or alone by myself, that all I can do… is cry. And I want someone there to hug me and tell me everything is going to be okay even thought it’s a lie. I know things aren’t going to be okay… they are going to be different and its never going to be the same; to me that doesn’t register as okay… but when im crying and upset… I want things to be okay, and hearing that helps cause the lie is reassuring and gives me false temporary hope.
But I dunno today was just bad… full of bad news and unfortunate circumstances. A coupled people helped though. I have a lot more to say, I haven’t gotten down to the emotions I wanted to bring up, but I cant do it right now… its not ready to surface so I guess this one will end on a…
To Be Continued…

hmm
im in one of those moods,
its hard to describe but i will try...
i feel kinda lonely,
but too surrounded by those unwanted...
i need hugs but i desire space...
im happy but so sad too...
i dunno why...
help?
but let me see,
what could be causing this?...
how deep have i let these things affect me...
what are the things that affect me?
ugh...
emotions are so complex and so is life
i long for a simpler life
free and unrestrained by authority or responsibility...
hmm but not today will i reach that life,
time is the first few steps as well as the giant leap i need to take...
aww to be able to control the clock.
father time be of mine...
okay... im going to far off from what i came here to write...
feelings... yes...
those damn things that affect me so,
but im happy for them at the same time
my emotions are strong and i have a good sense of self because of them
but what am i feeling now,
yea i think loneliness would be a good term,
its not really loneliness but its close,
here is how i would explain it,
lonesome... i just want someone to hold my hand,
hold me, kiss me, just lay and talk with me, stare into my eyes...
i guess thats what it is,
affection is what im after i think...
not that its like i would want it to be anyone...
it has to be that someone,
but i cant understand why i havent found him...
i've spent so long wishing for that right person,
i havent yet seen him come into my life,
i know truly that i havent met him yet...
ideas are all i have, fantasys and hope.
everything else seems so unstable,
i cant even put trust into my fantasy just for fear i wont ever find him.

i wanna stop caring,
today i feel the urge to just waste away...
i want everything to stop
time, life, exsistance...
nothing feels right and im terribly lost
i couldnt tell you why...
well not exactly anyway,
its me, just me and everyone around me...
i am sick in the heart, as well as the mind...
sick in the fact that its rotting away
unable to be preserved
i cant stop it either,
the empty emotions im suffering and the hurt thats occuring,
takes me to a place of utter devastation
im confused, im scared, im broken, and im crushed...
i cant find release anymore,
and i have no place to take myself
pain is thy friend and company...
this is a pain too deep to ignore...
peace of mind, find me before its too late

fuck...
im hella scared...
i think i have fucked up my brain...
i cant remember simple shit...
example:
my dad asked me to fill up a cup halfway with water...
and like two seconds later i filled it up all the way...
i dunno why, i just didnt remember to only make it half...
then he asked me to take out some chicken for dinner...
i went to the kitchen and checked the oil cause he asked me to do that too...
i forgot to take out the chicken...
like wtf?!?!
and now i realize that i cant spell shit anymore...
like at all... its so scarry...
what wrong wit me?

whats my problem?
heres my problem...
my problem is that im...
actually i dont really have a problem...
i have more of a waiting period,
im stuck and thats about it.
im really starting to think about my life,
where im going, what im doing, is all this shit worth it?
tomorrow holds the unknown, and its unknown if the unknown will occcur in the first place...
what i mean is, that whole bullshit of "if i die before i wake... blah blah blah..."
a plane could crash into my house tonight and kill me and my whole family,
then what would my sobriety mean? my ap classes? my car? my lack of a job?
it all wouldnt mean dick!
the only thing that would be left of me would be the memories of me that people who care about me have...
i would hate to die...
but i guess i wouldnt have that choice to decide if i liked dying or not,
it would happen and i would be powerless to stop or inhance it,
thats depressing...
but i am truly terrified of dying,
the whole idea of not knowing where i go or what happens, or even worse,
that nothing happens and its just over, makes me want to just get it over with...
i have come to accept life is over when it is, and thats it...
ive had hopes that heaven is a "real" place...
that death takes a form of new life...
but it appears to be some crap people told children to help them cope...
i give props to them tho... its a lie that has lasted for centuries,
but here is my theory for life after death...
well id go with idea or hope rather than theory...
an animated dream state...
like when you sleep, its almost like the matrix thing...
your life now is a dream you are having,
your true body or true form is somewhere resting, stationery and waiting to awake...
then when you "die" in this life, its just like when you die in your dream, you wake up,
and you take a new life, like being born, your whole life now is just your dream in your mothers womb...
i guess reincarnation could appeal to this theory, but without the crap of your good or bad deeds determine your life,
but thats one hope i have,
here is the other that i believe is true, even tho it makes me want to cry...
when you die, thats it...
just how you dont remember before you were born, you dont know anything after you die,
the difference is, you die with everything you have gained and earned and it doesnt mean shit...
so,
heres my whole point and purpose for writing this rather depressing entry...
i want to live, not care about things of no importance,
i want to live a fun, eduacational (mentally and emotionally as well as phylosophically, well excperienced, blissful,
and successful life...
i feel its time i stopped giving in and giving up, stopped changing myself for others...
i want to live as me, just monica, not what people think i should be, cause at my core, the raw, unfiltered true me,
im awesome... and i am gonna let everyone see that for themselves...
i cant change me, but i can live as me and that will have to do...
im tired as fuck of altering myself for the pleasure and acceptance of others...
im done with it, i dont care anymore,
if you dont like me, fine...
if you love me, great...
just dont jump to assumtions about me,
get to know someone before you call it...
im me now...
so,
once again...
MY NAME IS MONICA!

well im here...
wit my favorite person, tara...
cause she fuckin rocks...
we are listening to a cholo song...
its gay but mucho funny...
im laughing on the inside cause it reminds me of jackass
but on a more serious note, i crossed some boundries today...
and overcame things beyond my control and gained acceptance and gave true forgiveness
i made some steps, granted im not sober for the first time in a almost two months...
but i am no longer angry about this situation and i feel closer in the fact that i know that ive moved on to better and "bigger" things... lol
but yes ive grown not in fatness but maturity...
well i wanna watch porn now...
so goodbi my two viewers...
NIGGAHZ...

i wanted to stay out last night and sleep at my friends house...
i called and asked my dad if it was okay...
he told me to come home cause we were going to go boating tomorrow morning, so i was like but its gonna be crappy weather and its might rain...
he said, no you better come home cause we are gonna go boating...
so fine i went home at 10:30 and then i woke up this mornign and got ready to go boating, now,
we cant even fuckin go cause the weather (like i said it would be) is crappy and windy!
ugh i gave up how many hours with my friends just to come home and sleep?!? fuck!
thats hella fuckin gay...
im mad... no im angry...
thats hella dumb, i came home for no fuckin reason
so now my dad and his wife are out riding around on the harley and im babysitting...
life is hella lame...
well yea later...

"god, grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change,
the courage to change the things i can,
and the wisdom to know the difference..."
thank you NA...
well yea here is whats going down wit me...
mondays and fridays.. thats where im at...
7:00pm to 8:15pm... NA meetings...
for those of you who cant figure out what NA is...
dee dee dee... its Narcotics Annonymous...
but yes...
i am attending two meetings a week...
because i have "drug problem..."
here it is...
i love to smoke pot...
i love to get high and have fun with my friends...
my "problem" is my dad gets pissed cause he thinks that if i smoke a lil pot here and there...
in a few years i will be a crack whore, selling my body for dope...
so thats my drug problem i suppose...
"are drugs causing a problem in your life?" no...
they inhance my life and give me outlooks i didnt know i had before...
"do you have a father problem?" yes...
my dad wont let me smoke pot...
oh well tho...
its cause he loves me i guess...
he was an addict for years and years...
so i guess he doesnt want to me to go down that road...
im a natural addict he says... its in my blood to be an addict...
but i have self-control... i know how to take care of myself and when enough is enough...
but whatever... a year and a half... then ill be free!!!
anyway...
tara...
oh tara...
here is the lame thing i wrote that i told you about today in the turtle's class...

Lame…
When I first hear it...
I think of a penis...
A limp one...
But when I say...
I don’t know what meaning it takes...
Such as when I say gay...
I don’t mean homosexual...
I mean that it is gay...
Or it is lame...
But what am I truly trying to define...
It’s a replacement word...
One of absent meaning...
And despite the fact it’s effective…
In good ways as well as bad...
I will still use it on a daily basis...
so fuck you...
youre lame...

yea i know... not my best work... i realize that now...
oh schwell...
i no care much...
later

hahaha... i dunno... but yea im hella tired...
and its only 4pm...
fuck...
i still have to go to my NA meeting at 7 tonight...
ugh i just wanna go to bed...
but nope... i have sooo much shit to do...
hopefully i will have a relaxing weekend...
well saturday morning anyway...
saturday night...
that should be awesome...
fun fun fun wit my favorite people!
ahh so yea i really dont wanna do anything tonight...
just sleep... and be lazy... :D ahh that would be scho schweet..
but nope... i have to do stuff... butthole father...
ah okay it will be fine...
go to the meeting and do what i need to then come back home...
yep yep...
ahhh but wait!!!
dude...
maybe a quick nap before i have my druggie meeting?... :D
later...

my little brother is fuckin crazy...
today he got suspended for kicking some kid at his after school program...
okay let me explain the full extent of his kicking activity...
he and his friend were playing a game...
they witnessed another boy fall down...
then they went over to the boy who had fallen...
and begin to kick him while he was on the ground...
is it me of is that a little fucked up?...
well yea... this is the psycho i have to live with...
im happy its just another year or so till my ass is gone...
with my luck, he will go crazy one night and stab everyone to death...
ugh...
little kids like him scare me...
no wait...
he just scares me...
oh no! here he comes...
SAVE ME!!!

a rather depressing thought crept into the crazy crevious of my mind while i was in 6th period today...
it made me uber sad...
i realized...
that im a loser...
literally...
i lose my friends...
they all go away eventually...
but okay here is why i have come to this conlusion...
my two closest friends...
its for the most part the three of us...
tara, tony and i...
well i realized today that they both have their own best friends outside of our triangular relationship...
tara has cecilia...
tony has raquel...
i have no one...
they are my primary source of friendship...
but to them i am the second rate friend...
now im not saying that they like me any less because of this...
but it definatly puts me in a different position in their eyes whether they realize it or not...
so thats what made me sad...
having a best friend is hard for me...
i either get fucked over by them or they move hella far away...
maybe im meant to be a being of solitude...
that would suck because im too damn nice to everyone and i love making everyone happy...
lets just say my concious is always working double-time...
so yea... im a loser like a said...
no best friend to call my own...
but im still extremely happy to have these two people in my life...
okay then...
now...
what is pissing me off...
i hate rules and regualtions...
i hate not being free to make my own choices and live the way i want...
freedom has become an unreachable goal...
im paranoid and fearfull to have it snatched from me once more...
and yes although i am somewhat puttin myself out there for it and im a risk taker by nature...
but i just wanna live my life according to my pleasures...
if i wanna shoot heroin... let me...
if i wanna get straight A in school... let me...
im my own person...
let me fuck up or succeed on my own...
and let me do it my way!...

i had one of those moments...
stupid childish thinking...
its dumb and completely false but still i had it...
when i was younger i used to think that when i wasnt around everyone else stopped...
their lives went frozen untill i came back around or talked to them...
i didnt get the fact that other people are people and they have their own lives...
like for example my best friend...
brittany...
i was with her all the time and like everyday...
but when i went home and wasnt around her...
i thought she and her family stopped... and their time froze until i was there again or talking to her on the phone...
i thought everyones sole purpose for living was to interact with me...
or to be within my eye-shot...
i had no idea that they were people too..
individuals that thrive on their own purpose...
i believe my thinking that way was caused by the fact that i couldnt realize that im a person, i see things from my perspective and no one elses...
i see through my eyes and cannot place myself into someone else and see what they see...
it shocked me when i came to find that my "freeze" theory was false...
i cant rememember exactly when i figured out i was wrong... but i remember the feeling...
it was a light bulb being switched on...
yea i dont know what reminding me of this exactly but i felt like sharing...
so there is my flash back crap...
later...

last night was fun...
i had a great time...
considering my day was shit...
went to the gym and swam...
tara and i are the shit...
lol hoppin across the pool...
making fun of the dumb ass kids at the pool...
fuckin kids...
today was kinda fun too...
i was feeling crappy in the morning...
so i stayed home cause my dad was being cool and actually let me...
schwow huh?...
but yea we went to livermore to look at a boat...
then drove to modesto to look at another boat...
had time to kill...
so we ate lunch at red lobster...
then we went and looked at another one...
then came home... dude and guess what...
no fights at all or arguments of any kind...
wft?!?! dude its been a crazy day...
felt bad about leaving my pals at school... but i am sorry...
wow im so shocked how well my dad and i got along today...
it was great...
oh fuck my laundry...!!!
bye!

yea... i dunno what the fuck was up wit me today...
i was being weird and anti-social...
i dont even know why or what brought it on...
but it was there and it was extreme...
well not extreme but effecting me greatly...
why was i acting all sad and uber depressed...
i couldnt figure out what was wrong...
at first i thought i was gonna start my rag and that was why...
but that wasnt the case apparenetly...
fuck...
i hate feeling like this...
let me define my emotions...
i feel like im not good enough for anyone...
like im a failer...
like im a bad person...
i feel untrustworthy and unlovable...
ugh...
make it stop...
where is jesus when you need him?...
fuck... i hate my school...
"tardy sweeps"...
fuckin dumb as fuck...
here is what they do...
if you arent in your classroom when the bell rings... you are sent to inhouse all period...
no matter how close you are to the room or even if you have the door open... you get sent to inhouse...
they are fucked up...
i had to miss out on my AP history class to sit in a room with a bunch of assholes...
so...
that didnt help my emotions at all throughout the day...
i felt so much anger at that moment...
i wanted to punch the dean in the face...
shame im too chicken shit to do it...
wish i could have...
:( oh schwell...

okay...
im fuckin freaked out...
why...?
this chick is hella into me...
but i dunno... she is nice and all but im just not feeling her like she is me...
ugh... this whole fucking thing...
"Sexuality" it fucking sucks...
its confusing...
i think that if you can love a person just for who they are, dispite their gender than cool...
more power to you to love someone that way...
to have that connection would be a beautiful thing...
but if you think im being hypocritical... fuck you!
im being honest...
the girl is cool...
but im not into her...
sorry...
if i cant connect with someone on a certain level that i need in order to have intimacy with them...
then why bother...
anyway...
okay moving onto my problem...
people suck...
here is my new theory...
trusting people is too difficult...
if you really can trust someone and honestly feel safe enought to put your life in their hands...
never let that person go...
but how often can you find a person like that...
two people i thought i could trust stabbed me in the back...
one burned my back... literally...
my boyfriend and my best friend at the time...
fuck me for putting what little trust i did into either of them...
i should have learned my fucking lesson...
but nope... im too damn nice for my own good...
so i move on and open myself up for new people to walk all over me...
ugh i hate myself for that flaw...
but anyway...
bottom line...
FUCK THEM! they are assholes...
and as it goes...
FUCK IT YO...
live it as you take it yea?